Monday, March 30, 2009


I've become addicted to this podcast. It's fantastic, engrossing, and it makes cleaning so much more tolerable. This program is not on our NPR affiliate yet, but it is pledge week, maybe we all can make a request while making a pledge. Tim Holt, have you heard this program yet? It's right up your alley.

Because you know you're miserable...

Do you work in advertising? Do you hate your job with every last breath in your body? Would you rather eat dog shit than have to listen to another client say they "just don't get" your proposal? Have you developed a drug/alcohol problem because your CD is a moron who continually brings you last minute video projects that are due in five or six hours? Is your AD currently suing the City because his branding campaign not only incensed half of the city, but wasted over $200,000 tax payer dollars and so they rightly terminated their contract and shopped the work (and his slogan) out to the competition? "You have no idea"? Really? "Capitol of the Border"? Does that mean that we're capitol of violence, corruption, consumption, and Maquilla slave labor wages? Do you want to commit hari kari every time you see those Western Refining ads touting their environmental record because your involvement in that ad campaign assists that company in spewing dioxin into our air and directly onto the residents of the Ascaraté neighborhood? Are you the asshole with Glass Beach branding who can't sleep at night because you insulted every citizen in El Paso with your fucking racist branding presentation? Do you regret going to school for graphic design or video production only to work a shitty freelancing job that pays a fraction of a fraction of what the agency is charging their client?

Allow me to suggest a blogger who shares your deep disgust for the industry. Mark the Copyranter is a brilliant, bitter bastard, and I love his blog. Stroll through the archive and into a universe of stupidity, terrible taglines, and, occasional insightful dissection of the industry.

Full disclosure: Mark linked to my Medium is the Massage post from a couple weeks ago. He just loves shit like that, so if you have any eye popping local ads, send him tips.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The cheap will inherit the earth

In response to this fucking ridiculous article in the New York Times which perfectly outlines how years of prosperity make people completely incapable of fending for themselves and putting anyone elses' suffering into perspective, I have started a food blog. It contains recipes designed to feed a family of six with leftovers for less than $20 for the entire meal. Some meals are less than $10, some are $5. When the economy has finally completely sunk into the gutter and these foodies are foraging for Splenda packets and stray Cheetos, I plan on starting a survivalist themed blog, because even then, I'm sure they will find time and money to hang out at a café and bitch. Topics will include hanging and gutting a deer, what kind of compound bow is best for use on Elk, using ergot fungus on your rye crop to your advantage, and how to weave your own feminine napkins.

PS: An actual quote, "[Kim's meal] shouted 'fiesta,' tugging us south of the border..." Tomato soup with cilantro is not "South of the Border", asshole. Pozolé is. Throw some fucking hominy and chile colorado in there, and then we'll talk. How the hell did carnitas and tomato soup cost you that much, lady? Were the swine nursed by Swedish wet nurses until their first birthday? Were they fed a strict diet of creamed niblets once they were weaned? Christ.

Image via Flikr

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


FIrst you erect that disgusting testament to Xenophobia- "the Border Wall", now you're spraying a neurotoxic herbicide to get rid of an invasive species of water plant to improve your line of sight? Are you people nuts???!!! Line of sight my ass! How about some fucking FORESIGHT?! Here is data from an environmental factsheet regarding imazapyr, which will be sprayed on tall river grasses along Laredo and Nuevo Laredo via prop plane.

"The active ingredient, imazapyr, is marketed in compounds by the trade names,
Chopper, Arsenal, and Assault. Imazapyr is a non-selective broad-spectrum
systemic herbicide, absorbed by the foliage & roots, with rapid transfer to the
xylem & phloem to the meristematic regions, where it accumulates and causes
disruption of protein synthesis. This leads to interference in DNA synthesis and
cell growth of the plants. The result of exposure is death of new leaves.1 It was
first registered in the United States in 1984.

"Toxicity to Humans: The primary route of potential harm would occur during the
application process. If contact occurs, imazapyr is irritating to the eyes and can
cause rashes, redness and swelling at the site of exposure. The amount of the
product needed to produce an acute effect is relatively large (LD50= >5000 mg/kg
& LC50= <100. Imazapyr is not a carcinogen and has no known reproductive

"Risks to the Environment:
Imazapyr by its nature does not distinguish between the plants it kills. Thus, rare
and endangered plants are particularly at risk from exposure to the herbicide.
The EPA has stated that “jeopardy” will occur to terrestrial and aquatic plant
species from the use of Arsenal.2
In soils, imazapyr is persistent. The EPA reports that the half-life of imazapyr is
17 months.3 If applied to soil, imazapyr is expected to have very high mobility
and thus is likely to contaminate water. Studies have detected imazapyr in
surface as well as groundwater. If released into water or if the chemical moves
through soils and finds its way to water, imazapyr is not expected to adsorb to
suspended solids and sediment based upon the adsorption coefficient. Studies
on the effects of imazapyr to macroinvertebrate communities did not yield
effects.4 This chemical is not expected to have impacts to salmon species.

"Breakdown Products
One primary breakdown product of Imazapyr is quinolinic acid which is irritating
to the eyes, respiratory system, and skin. It is also a neurotoxin and can cause
symptoms similar to those in Huntington’s chorea such as loss of coordination
and trembling."

Poisoning the water supply. THAT'S THE WAY TO GET THEM MEZCANS! Oh, you forgot that most South Texans/Northern Mexicans get their drinking water from the RIo Grande? You forgot about the wildlife, farms and PEOPLE who could be sickened by this herbicide with the trade name "ARSENAL"??? And what about down stream run off? Couldn't you just MOW THE FUCKING PLANTS? Fuck you. Fuck you very much.

Image Via NPT/Frontera Norte Sur

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Sins we do, two by two, are paid for one by one...

This anonymous proverb comes up every time I think of Dick Cheney. Please, someone at the UN, or any other party nation to the statute- I pray of you to grow a pair and send this man to the International Criminal Court. Please, someone in Congress (Silvestre? Are you out there listening?), grow a pair and investigate this man. You didn't impeach him when it really counted- when Beelzebub himself was veep- but you just cannot ignore charges like THIS. Democrats- you have a majority in the House and the Senate. Do something with it for God's sake. Republicans in congress, especially you "good Christians" and fellow LDS members (Brother Hatch- I'm talking to you), here are a few scriptures to remind you of your Christian duties. Do I need to remind you that torturing detainees and state sponsored assassination makes Jesus cry?

I guess I do. Here are some passages about justice:

David reminds you: "Who shall ascend into the Hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in His holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul into vanity, nor sworn deceitfully..." [Psalm 24:3-4] Yeah, and David should know. This is good for a politician for so many reasons, but in this instance, will you walk into retirement with clean hands if you don't do something about this kind of blatant disregard for the law and human life?

"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." [Matt 7:15-20] You were hired to be the protectors of the Law. You are LEGISLATORS. It is your JOB TO JUDGE THIS MAN. It is YOUR JOB to remove the sick tree from the orchard. Do your job. That is what a balance of power is all about.

And of course, for Brothers Hatch and Reid: "And men are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil. And the law is given unto men. And by the law no flesh is justified; or by the law men are cut off. Yea, by the temporal law they are cut off; also by the spiritual law they perish from that which is good, and become miserable forever." {2 Nephi 2:5]

I could spend hours going through the Bible to point out passages which out Republicans as hypocrites, but I don't have time. And this is not a partisan issue. If you care about justice. If you are a protector of the weak. If you give a shit about YOUR OWN liberties. This man needs to be brought to account before the country whose laws he corroded and whose people he has shamed.

You have a job to do, ladies and gentlemen. You are supposed to protect this country from constitutional gangrene, and you have failed. If you want to redeem yourselves as the protectors of the law, do the job we elected you to do. You have let this man corrupt the system in a way Nixon only had wet dreams about. Please, redeem yourself by bringing this man to justice.

Oh, and CNN? How worthless are you? You all need to be sent back to basic High School Journalism 101 classes. You people are so unbelievably spineless.

CORRECTION: upon further inspection, the quote is attributed to Rudyard Kipling.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

An old article- unedited, sort of

This was the original edited version of my interview with Al Jourgensen. You can read the published version here. I think you'll find the original a little better. It's a little more vulgar and keeps Al's round about train of thought intact. This version was the final, as approved by his exacting, totally overworked, and hopefully appreciated wife/manager/accountant, Angie.


In His Own Words:
Al Jourgensen
By Jenni Burton


Now that I got your attention…

I would like to introduce you to Al Jourgensen. For those of you who are Ministry fans, you know one Al: the crazy drug and alcohol fueled musician who made the 90’s a better time for us all. You know the Al who had the Depends endorsement (go to Uncle Pauly’s and buy him a drink and he MAY tell you that story). You know the Al with the liver of steel and the throat of bile. Okay, yeah, I know that Al, too, but anyway. To commemorate Ministry’s final US show, ever, in Chicago Sunday the 11th, I would like to introduce my readers to the Al that I’ve had the pleasure to get to know over the last six years. As some of you may know, my husband has worked with Al professionally several times over the last seven years, and in doing so, I met Al, the band, and his wife Angie. I was able to sit down with him for a couple of hours right before they loaded up for tour and he’s full of surprises. Read: Al on parenting, Al on animal husbandry, Al on gardening, Al on incest, Al on strip clubs, Al on Real Estate, Al on tour, Al on El Paso, and of course Al on music. Sit back and enjoy the ride.

“[Rehearsal’s] been crazy. People quitting, one guy, our guitar tech, I think he’s dead now…

[Tour Manager: No, you didn’t hear? He called me. He made it to Phoenix. He was in the Hospital. He’s doing better. He had a bleeding ulcer. He just wasn’t ready for this tour…]

“We keep a diary, ‘Dear diary, Day 28…’ no today’s 29. No, every day there’s some kind of weird crap going on.

“You know, I’ve got my daughter living with me now…She’s 22, now, she lives in El Paso, right around the corner from us, we’ve got those two houses there. She’s banging this singer in a local band. It’s grossing me out, the whole thing. I told him, ‘If you guys fuck and you don’t wear a rubber I’m going to beat your ass. I don’t want some two-headed baby with rabies comin’ out of you guys. Put it in her ass, put it in her mouth, or wear a rubber…’ I sat them both down. That was like the ‘father talk’. Christ. They were horrified. They had eyes, like, [gestures] that big.

“She loves it here, yeah. [She moved here] a couple of months ago- a month ago. She’s watching our house while we’re gone. Taking care of the rest of the animals. We’re taking our dogs with us, but the rest: the cats and the birds and whatever the hell else we’ve got. I wanted to take home that white dog that was out there [in the front yard of a the new studio at Sonic Ranch]… ‘Angie…can I have this?’

“ ‘No! No more strays!’ Like an idiot, I’ve been feeding it and now I’m starting to like the thing. It just kind of freaks me out. It’s a great dog. But the last tour, Raven, when he was alive, brought home this emaciated bulldog. A white bulldog that was shitting blood out its ass, and blood was comin’ out its nose, and I felt horrible for it, so I brought it to the vet - it’s a week before tour- we’re scrambling around trying to find a place for it, so we just said, ‘Fine Raven. It’ll live at our house.’ Because Raven was like, ‘No, no. I’ve got people who will want this. It’s a pure bull dog.’ It was. So it wound up living at our house, but on tour, it ended up jumping the fence and bit somebody. Me and Angie had to pay a thousand bucks. It didn’t bite a person. It got in a fight with a pit bull and kicked its ass. So they charged us a thousand bucks for- their pit bull was dead or something. And we were like, Jesus, we can’t keep this thing, so we found it- I don’t even know how this happened. We were in LA after the tour…you’ve been down Melrose, right? You know the store Necromancer, it’s the voodoo punk rock shop. So I’m in there and the lady’s like, ‘Yeah, I had two bull dogs and one of them just died and I’m really looking for a bull dog.’ So now this thing’s gone from completely emaciated and shitting blood to being completely pampered, with a pink diamond collar, living on Melrose guarding the shop…

“Tommy [Victor] quit after I beat him with a dead skunk…Of course, I beat him with it, and then I threw it at his head. The day his girlfriend got here, the last day of rehearsals, both of them are sleepin’ and I just break in and hit them with this dead skunk. He got pissed. He went to Fabens and pouted for a while, and came back. I literally have it written down. I think it’s back at the house with Angie. ‘Day 12- ate a worm from the Mezcal bottle. Day 16- people quit, people died, people got hit with’- It’s been nuts man. But we sound good...

“That Europe trip [a long story involving a bus going through the Alps during a heat wave without air conditioning, breaking down, driving limos through Scotland while the entire band got car sick- Justin has it all on DV tape] was a nightmare. That was a fucking nightmare. That was FUBAR. That was the definition of FUBAR, but we survived it. So this isn’t bad. Tommy calls this Ministry Ultra-Lite, because there’s only been one death so far…the guy’s in the hospital- he had to be helicoptered out of here…”

I asked Al the question that I’m sure was on your minds: Why didn’t you book a gig in El Paso?

“This town is screwy. It’s like, you have the Coliseum, you’ve got the Haskin’s Center and 101 is the next thing down. [What about Club Blu?] That’s too small too. We’re right in this middle section between huge places and clubs, so the town has to have something to accommodate that. So…we’re doing the Sunshine again in Albuquerque- it’s the closest we’re getting here- and that’s like 1700 I think. We’re right in that 1700-2000 range. Some cities, like 2500.

“We called [Abraham Chavez] and they said no. We called them and they said, “No, we’ve never heard of you.” We tried to get a show here- we really did.

“You know Jenni, I’m actually happy that we’re not playing, only because I really like my anonymity here. Nobody knows who the hell I am. I mean, there’s a few of you guys that know I’m a maniac and all this stuff, but I basically just go to Uncle Pauly’s, or Lloyds, and go home. It’s close. It’s a few blocks away. Nobody really gives a shit that it’s Ministry or whatever. I’m pretty much left alone, ya know? I like that. I don’t need- God, if I lived in LA I’d be puking right now. It’s just like, everybody knows who I am or thinks they know who I am. I can’t walk down the street without seeing five people that look like me- exactly dressed and shit. I like El Paso and its anonymity…”

For the last three or so years, Al has been using his garage on the Westside as a recording studio, and has housed the bands who record their in their home. Al will soon be moving to La Mesa, NM where he has plans to build a studio complex to accommodate the acts who record under his label Thirteenth Planet.

“I have it- I have the pamphlet…Wait till you see the inside. The guy built it by hand- it’s this weird sculptor guy that got a job in Galveston working for Exxon to build sculptures for Exxon- all their major offices. And the guy hates corporations- and they’ve already paid him in full, so he’s building all these perverted-like a giant steel cock going into a mouth, and shit. They don’t even know…Me and Angie were just freaked out…It’s three acres. We’re building a band compound here with a full studio. I need to talk to Justin’s dad because I want him to build the live room like he did over there [at the Ranch]. I want it the exact same dimensions as Tony’s big room…

“We’re building a four-bedroom band compound with a live room- like their main room over there- like the back lot. And then the garage is going to be like my little mix studio. I’m buying another SSL board. I’m going to have two studios going, and this place is unbelievable. The guy built it like a Goudi place. There’s not a single square room on the entire premises- it’s all curved…it’s crazy- it’s a crazy place. It’s in New Mexico… It’s upper valley, basically…

“We’re stayin’. That’s it. Isa- this guy that works with the label- his dad built all those rock walls for the City. He’s been doing it for 30 years. The entire city. So he’s doin’ like a 14 foot wall around all three acres of the compound…That’s what I’m working for right now. I found my place. It’s my last tour. There’s no zoning out there. We can drill our own well. We can go solar. We can go wind. It’s a big deal. We’re completely off the grid…

“Right now, it’s completely a buyer’s market. In LA- if you can even find three acres- that’s a $7-10 million compound. It’s insane…

“You know the singer of The Cocks [The Revolting Cocks] moved here. The keyboard player is moving here. The guitar player is moving here. Billy Gibbons wants a ranch. In the next couple of years this place is going to be fun… I’ve traveled around the world man, and there’s only one other place else I’d move and it’s Southern Spain, which is very similar to this. It’s the same thing. It’s the same weather, the same topography… I love it here. I really do. I tell people that and everyone gets confused about that…

“I’m on a mission. I’m on a fuckin’ mission. I can’t believe this place. There’s only one other place that I’ve seen like this where people were really ashamed of where they’re from and that was Cleveland, when the lake caught on fire and shit in the 80’s. ‘Why did you move from Venice Beach?’ Because a) I didn’t have to pay some slumlord $5000 a month, b) I like the weather better, and it’s just cool. I like it here. When I’m in LA it’s not like I go out to all the trendy places. It’s like, God, this is a nightmare for me, because they know who I am. Here nobody knows who I am- they don’t give a fuck.

“That’s what I like about El Paso. It’s always been a city of outlaws where nobody asks questions, because everybody has issues. Green card issues, or murder issues, or crime issues- know what I’m saying… I think it’s perfect for me. You remember that guy from the Clash that lived here. Remember that guy-Paul Simonon? He knew what he was doing. I talked to Joe Strummer about it before he died, and it’s like- he was telling me about El Paso before I even moved here, and then he died. But, he’s all about it. This place is for outlaws. This is the place that you go to be quiet and not bother anybody.

“Man [Michael] I met you when you were smaller than her [Ari]. You don’t remember but, you were running around Zanaida’s kitchen at the studio- you barely could walk. I barely could walk too, but I was drunk. You had an excuse- you were a kid.

“We went up Redd Road, me and Angie, with this Real Estate agent and we were like, ‘Well, here’s the deal. We’re building a studio and a band house. And I want solar and wind and I want to be off the grid and drill my own well,’ and all that and she looked at me like I was from Mars. I’ve been talking about this for like three years. Three years Angie and I have been talking to Real Estate agents and we finally found the perfect place.”

Al and Angie weren’t able to book in El Paso, so they arranged a caravan from Uncle Pauly’s on Shadow Mountain to Sunshine Theater in Albuquerque.

“What we want to leave from Pauly’s parking lot [the ABQ bus]- we want the ‘special’ bus with the little stop sign and stuff, like they have for retards- the short bus. But we wanted it to leave from Pauly’s. We’re setting it up with Pauly’s to buy the tickets there, take a bus from there and then drive you there and back so you don’t have to worry about drunk driving and all that other stuff.”

If you have an experience on the Short Bus that you’d like to share, please submit a letter to the editor.

Justin and I really wanted to be in Chicago for the last show, but, as usual, Justin’s work schedule didn’t pan out. Chicago is Al’s hometown, and when I proposed the idea, his eyes lit up.

“I was just there, like, two weeks ago- me and Angie. The Chicago Blackhawks flew us up, put us at the Hard Rock Hotel, in the Penthouse Suite- $1500 bucks a night- you have to have your own key in the elevator to get up there- it’s your own elevator, it’s just like- the view of the city…I was like, ‘Oh, my God.’ We were freaking out. It’s because we wrote the theme for the Blackhawks, their new hockey song. And they flew me up there to do press with ESPN and FOX and all this other stuff. They treated us like kings. Kings. We sat in the owner’s booth during the game. I’ve known the owner for 20 years. This kid used to be my personal assistant. He said he wanted to learn the music business from the ground up, so I go well, ‘I’ve got plenty of ground here. I don’t know about the up part.’ So he’s a billionare- these people are billionares, right? They own the biggest liquor distributors in the United States… Bismark. Anyways, he literally was like my butt-boy for two tours. And then he got a job in New York, moved to New York, and started from the ground up this publicity company. And then he moved to London and got a job running an independent label. I mean, this guy really has done it from the ground-up. He didn’t just want favors because he’s a rich kid. I love this kid for that. He was the best man at my wedding. I love this kid. So I’ve known the people who own the whole building- the United Center, so it was a natural fit. So the last thing that me and Raven worked on was this song that sounds like a Gary Glitter song. It sounds like a hockey song. So that’s the last thing that me and Raven did before he died. We went up there for Angie’s birthday just to go shopping- the Magnificent Mile. You’re going to love the city. If you’re going to do a road trip, that’s the one to do. And they just added a fourth night. We’re going to be there for, like, 6-7 days...

“You’ll fall in love. You’ll fall in love. And you know what else? We have a thousand balloons every night with Ministry logos coming down off a net. Then we play, ‘It’s a Wonderful World’ by Louie Armstrong. We’ve got a balloon drop every night… This is going to be fun. They added a third show in New York. We’ve got three in LA. Four in Chicago now. Two in San Francisco. They’re all sold out. Everything’s sold out. Literally the entire tour. It really makes me feel good after all these years, ‘cause people are really starting to realize that I’m serious- I’m over it. I won’t even leave my compound unless I’m in my scooter wheelchair going to Western Beverage. I could be a recluse.

“It’s just nice that everyone’s comin’ out. We’ve got Neil Young in London that’s going to play with us. Keith Richards in New York’s gonna play with us…We’re doing ‘Under My Thumb’ with him. Billy Gibbons in LA. Joey’s flying out from Slipknot to do the whole first encore with us in Chicago. Rick Neilson and Robin Zander from Cheap Trick. Everyone’s comin’ out of the woodwork. It’s awesome. It’s the way I wanted to go out-on my own terms…On top of that the band- we’ve got like four different roadies that have been with us for about five years or so- they’re listening to us rehearse, and they’re like, ‘Dude- this is the best you have ever sounded. Your band is stellar…’

“We got the Static X guy, Tony, he fits right in. There’s no learning curve or anything. He just fits right in personality wise. He’s awesome. New drummer, new bass player, the guitar player was seamless because he played on the record, because Mikey [Mike Scattia]- who knows he wigged out. Nobody knows where he’s at-

“He does that. Every two years he storms off, and freaks out and disappears for a year, only this time it’s been two years. We call him, we send texts…nothing back. Isa saw him at the airport in El Paso, apparently he’s playing with some members of Pantera- some ex-members. I assume he’s living in El Paso. I heard he moved to St. Louis for a while. He’s got three kids right now- plus two from a previous marriage.

“We’ve got these VIP tickets that Angie set up that are like $100 bucks and include meet and greets and get a drum head or a poster or something signed. It’s ridiculous, expensive tickets, but their all sold out. The whole tour. There’s still tickets left for general admission but the entire tour of 40 dates is sold out of all the VIP tickets- there’s a hundred VIP tickets a night. Angie did a great job. She kicked ass. I’m going to go out in a blaze of glory. It makes it all worth it…


{“We’re flying one of our assistants out, Kevin- that’s the guy that’s fucking my daughter [What’s Kevin’s last name?] Two-Headed Grandkid. [Why? Does he smoke a lot of dope?] He’s an idiot. [Is he at least good-looking?] Oh, yeah. He’s a singer in a band-he’s all hot. [To tour manager] Do you know the name of Kevin’s band?

[Tour manager: you’re kidding. I don’t know. Some stupid-]

“Jack’s Smirking Revenge.”[]…}

“I have this garage that I like to work in because I'm doin’ soundtracks now and mixing stuff in a garage. The exact same garage I have now. I’m moving that [mixing suite] into the new garage and then I’m getting a whole nother set of SSLs.

“I’ve gotta play you something…I’ve gotta play you some of the new Cocks record. The Prong album was recorded here [at Sonic Ranch] and mixed at my place. I did the Watcher’s record- which is Burton’s solo band…the soundtrack for this thing called ‘Wicked Lake’, this horror movie that was filmed in El Paso, and I did all the music score for it. ‘The Last Sucker’, the Ministry cover album, and I did a Revolting Cocks album- all in the last year… ‘Rio Grande Blood’ was [tracked in the garage] and mixed in Phoenix. That was [tracked] on that little Digitech board…Ever since then, that was the last thing that we ever had demo equipment with. Ever since then it’s all been SSL. We did seven albums once we got the studio up and running. Seven albums in less than 14 months…crazy…Angie’s a little stressed about it, all the promotion for the label…

“This Cocks record is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. [plays me some of the master] I don’t know, I finally did an album that I can listen to later, and I can’t say it sucks. Everything’s amazing on it. Every song’s a hit. Josh lives here. Clayton’s moving here. Sin’s moving here. It feels like a band. It’s unbelievable… We have ridiculous songs on here. We have a song about Josh getting caught fucking his cousin at summer camp when he was eight, and his dad beats his ass. Ridiculous stuff…sex robots, the Red Parrot…we’re doing a video for this [plays song about the Red Parrot] at the Red Parrot…just listen to that cowbell…It’s the first time in my life I had something sent back from mastering and I had nothing to bitch about…

“There’s this new place we’ve been going to. It’s called Extreme Fantasy. It’s the size of this kitchen. The father plays a Casio [keyboard]. The mother meets you at the door and serves you drinks and two of his daughters dance. It’s horrible. [Wow, I thought JB’s was the worst strip club in town] I did too! This is worse. This makes JB’s look like Vinny’s Place in Dallas…He’s playing, like, ‘Girl from Impanema’ while his daughters dance…[continues singing]

[song about the Banditos biker crew comes on] “I met the leader of the Banditos the other night. I drank with them at Pauly’s. I didn’t know who they were. I drank with them all night, and I said, ‘Don’t get mad at us. We wrote a song about you fucks, that we out-fuck you.’ They laughed their ass off. An entire table full of Banditos at Pauly’s.

“This is the cousin one. [sings] This is like Flock of Seagulls…I gave [the band] to these three guys: Clayton, Josh and Sin…I made them sign a contract that says that they have to give it away to three other idiots, cause it started with three people…I made them sign a contract that in five years, just find anyone else that you want I’ll produce them. I’m not in the band anymore. And then they have to give it to three idiots that they find…It’s like Menudo…Here it is, the dad catches him fucking his cousin and tells them, ‘This kid will be born with rabies,’ and beats his ass [sings ‘born with raabiiies’]. He’s Canadian, right, the singer of this band- he’s from Vancouver. Here’s what I found out from Angie. I go, ‘That’s the most ridiculous line I’ve ever heard. “Born with rabies”..’ She goes, ‘You don’t understand. In Canada we don’t have the birds and the bees. They tell us to go out and watch the dogs fuck.’ Born with rabies…I almost crapped my pants…

“[The Cocks are going on tour] in October. It’s coming out in October…They’re going without me. I’m not going. I make merch money.

“We’ve really worked our asses off to make sure that we can stay here- forever… I’m so happy- you have no idea. You’ve never seen me like this. This is the happy Al.”

Al and Company will be hitting the road again for Ministry’s final European tour. Al and Angie have some more plans in the works. They’re in negotiations right now with MTV for a reality show called, “Gardening With Evil” in which Al, who is an avid gardener, teaches gardening tips to other stars. It should be immensely entertaining.

I’d like to thank Al for taking two hours out of his day (terribly hung-over, by the way) to sit down and talk on tape. I wish I was able to be there in Chicago for the show (sniffle), but I know they had a great gig.

Word on the Street

Again, I warned you. Besides, everyone knows who the Mexican Army is REALLY allied with. As a good friend pointed out, the question is, who is doing the work for whom.

El Paso Times, where is your coverage of this? I know one tough ass mama on staff who makes it her job to put her rear on the line for journalism. There is no excuse for human rights abuses. NONE. At least NPT is reporting it.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Because I think way too much about this stuff...

Remember that post about Walgreens and marital aides ? I'm sure you do. Well, I was helping a lawyer friend do some work for his SOB (that's "Sexually Oriented Business") clients, and the thought occurred to me that- hey! Texas has some of the strictest ordinances pertaining to the sale and distribution of marital aides in the United States. How is this shit going to fly?

For those of you unfamiliar with the law, it goes as follows:

They are illegal. It is illegal to sell any phallus shaped device used for vaginal or anal stimulation in Texas. Period. Dildos, vibrators, those egg shaped things they call "back massagers" in the Pyramid catalogue, all of them are technically illegal in Texas. You can read a short history of Texas vs. SCOTUS decisions on sexual privacy here.

For those purchasing a marital aid, five is the limit. More than five and you're considered a distributor.

Adult book stores generally get around the law via relabeling their product as "novelty" or for "medical use". Would Walgreens be able to use that argument considering the type of business normally conducted at a pharmacy? Or would they avoid the Texas market all together to avoid prosecution.

For the record, it must also be noted that cunni/ana-linguis and fellatio remained illegal in Texas until 1994, and sodomy laws weren't repealed until 2001. I'm pretty sure Texas must have a law against frottage and vaginal sex not concluding in pregnancy somewhere in the books, but what do I know.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Equestrian

I drew this cartoon after the unveiling of that ridiculous monument to genocide that we call The Equestrian. What a way to greet new visitors to El Paso, right? I know the Native Americans I drew were a little "Hollywood", but I had to make it clear that they were Native American, and hey, my son is 1/4 Yaqui, so don't give me any grief about racism.

David Sokolec, friend and blogger, is credited for the concept and copy.

Word on the Street

Two weeks ago at the Tap, a certain landlord who shall remain nameless, sported some shades (at the darkest bar in town, no less) and beckoned me over for a hug. I asked him if he was proceeding with his plans to turn one of his buildings into a Bowling Alley/Bar. His reply:

Grabbing his crotch, "I've got your bowling balls right here, Habibi."

Sunday, March 8, 2009

No Shit, Sherlock

I have a feeling that this will become another regular installment. Sigh.

You know, I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. We don't need to get into all of that, though the statute of limitations is well expired, but let's just say many of them involved Juárez.

Most people have known FOR DECADES that partying in Juárez involved a certain level of police interference. By that, I mean that a wise Paseño has always carried a little extra cash just in case the policia decide that you either a) look like a good mark, or b) are acting like a complete jackass.

I don't know if this dumbass just moved here or what, but in last month's Valentine's edition of What's Up, some guy found himself shocked, SHOCKED that after a night of partying in Juárez while a fucking WAR is going on, pobrécito, the cops shook him down for a bribe.


I absolutely do not condone that kind of behavior from any peace officer, but c'mon, dude. This has been going on for AGES. Don't act surprised. My husband has a story from 1992- that's 17 years ago- of being shook down by an officer after his idiot friend peed on the Bridge.

I have personally witnessed multiple shakedowns, myself included, for everything from taillights, to public intoxication, underage drinking, to just being white and partying in Juárez. I have not been to Juárez in more than a year because a) I do not have life insurance and b) I can't afford to have some cop hassle me.

If that was the state of things over ten years ago, one can imagine how bad it is now that there is a FUCKING DRUG WAR IN PROCESS, YOU MORON. You should not have been partying there, and you should thank God that the ONLY thing that happened was a traffic stop and shakedown. It is a police state down there right now. You could have had your car searched. You could have been found in possession of something that would have made your "courtesy fine" higher. Had you not had the money to bribe the officer, you could have spent the night in Cereso. Or you could have been shot at a nightclub in a drug fueled melée. Count your blessings, dumbass, and remember what hood you're in.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Word on the Street

Remember what I said about corrupt federal officers? Ahem. You don't need fucking tarot cards to surmise what's going to happen with all those Mexican Army troops in J-Town.

I think one of my synapses just exploded

My, my, my...look at what Walgreens stores across the country are now stocking. Somehow I don't see myself slipping one of these in my basket with a package of Pull Ups and a bottle of shampoo. Does this conform with Walgreen's brand image? No. Do I like the idea? Yes. Do I think the Walgreens across from my apartment will start stocking these? I doubt it. But then again, my Walgreens now stocks "Wet" brand lube- a brand once reserved for the classified section of gay porn magazines and cheap adult video stores. Come to think of it, Walgreens stocks many products which, if one were of a deviant persuasion, could be used during intercourse. Enema kits and rubber gloves come to mind. Wow. I wonder if they'll start stocking poppers in the incense/candle isle, too.

I'm assuming that they will carry these in the Pharmacy. Realistically- I just can't see people purchasing a dildo while an abuelita is standing behind them waiting to purchase her insulin needles, test strips, and blood pressure medication.

Via Fleshbot [WARNING: this link is NSFW]

Monday, March 2, 2009

The Medium is the Massage

I took this pic from my kitchen window a couple of years ago. Half of the sign fell during a windstorm last year, so I'm glad I took the pic. This is for "Lolita Bail Bonds". I'm assuming they specialized in sex offenders.